Monday, July 26, 2010

I have been struggling for a while.

I've been dealing with my chronic pain disorder for a few years now and never figured out how to use my faith to help me through it. All I could seem to do would be to fuss at God- get mad, get angry, cry tears of frustration that I was so helpless and hopeless at times. Which is fine, because God can take my anger. God's big enough for that.
Side note: It's astounding how much my pain disorder controls my life.

Today I finally got it.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was deliberately created, specially, uniquely, just the way that I am. My legs were crooked for a reason. I had to learn to walk with a brace for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I'm unique and God knows that.

Maybe I'm meant to be that one girl who'll go out on a limb and test a wonder drug. Maybe I'm the only one who will be honest enough about my struggles to get some attention to worldwide sufferers of pain disorders.

Maybe I have something to learn from my pain disorder.

Am I supposed to rejoice in the fact that some days it takes strength that is honestly not my own to get out of bed? I don't think so. I don't know if God wants me to be joyful about this- certainly God doesn't think I'm wrong for getting pissy every now and then.

But I finally get it. I'm unique. I'm special. This is how I see life. Everything down to my very anatomy- my very nerve endings- my brain cells- is different with me. I am a unique human.

That's a good feeling. God knows that I'm miserable sometimes, and it's not what God desired to see me hurt, but God knows that I do. God is holding my hand through all of this as I grow.

And I'm thankful.

Uniquely yours,

Friday, July 16, 2010


Do you know what it's like to be chronically ill?
My case is a pain disorder. It's one of those things that I know that I'm sick, and I feel myself in constant pain and can't control it, but the doctors haven't given me a definitive answer yet. That is painful emotionally because I feel invalidated, but I should let that bother. You know that you have a cold even if you don't go to Doctor's Care. I know that I have a chronic pain disorder but I just don't know which one yet.

Having said that, my day-to-day existence is different from that of people who aren't sick.

I would post the following story in full, but I want to be respectful to the author's copyright. Please click this link and read about the Spoon Theory. It explains what day-to-day life is like for someone who doesn't "look sick".
I'm having a bad evening with my pain disorder and want you all to know what it's like for me. From now on, when I refer to "running out of spoons", you all will know what I'm talking about.


Monday, July 5, 2010

What do you want to read about?

Let's face it.
I'm working full time this summer and I don't have a lot of hilarious stories.
I don't have a lot of rant about and I'm not making any large leaps on a personal level that are blog-worthy.

So tell me what you want to hear! What do I think about this? Opinion on that? Tell you about a member of my family or more about my autistic deformed cat.
You know you want to.