Monday, July 26, 2010

I have been struggling for a while.

I've been dealing with my chronic pain disorder for a few years now and never figured out how to use my faith to help me through it. All I could seem to do would be to fuss at God- get mad, get angry, cry tears of frustration that I was so helpless and hopeless at times. Which is fine, because God can take my anger. God's big enough for that.
Side note: It's astounding how much my pain disorder controls my life.

Today I finally got it.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was deliberately created, specially, uniquely, just the way that I am. My legs were crooked for a reason. I had to learn to walk with a brace for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I'm unique and God knows that.

Maybe I'm meant to be that one girl who'll go out on a limb and test a wonder drug. Maybe I'm the only one who will be honest enough about my struggles to get some attention to worldwide sufferers of pain disorders.

Maybe I have something to learn from my pain disorder.

Am I supposed to rejoice in the fact that some days it takes strength that is honestly not my own to get out of bed? I don't think so. I don't know if God wants me to be joyful about this- certainly God doesn't think I'm wrong for getting pissy every now and then.

But I finally get it. I'm unique. I'm special. This is how I see life. Everything down to my very anatomy- my very nerve endings- my brain cells- is different with me. I am a unique human.

That's a good feeling. God knows that I'm miserable sometimes, and it's not what God desired to see me hurt, but God knows that I do. God is holding my hand through all of this as I grow.

And I'm thankful.

Uniquely yours,
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