I have been struggling for a while.

I've been dealing with my chronic pain disorder for a few years now and never figured out how to use my faith to help me through it. All I could seem to do would be to fuss at God- get mad, get angry, cry tears of frustration that I was so helpless and hopeless at times. Which is fine, because God can take my anger. God's big enough for that.
Side note: It's astounding how much my pain disorder controls my life.

Today I finally got it.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was deliberately created, specially, uniquely, just the way that I am. My legs were crooked for a reason. I had to learn to walk with a brace for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I'm unique and God knows that.

Maybe I'm meant to be that one girl who'll go out on a limb and test a wonder drug. Maybe I'm the only one who will be honest enough about my struggles to get some attention to worldwide sufferers of pain disorders.

Maybe I have something to learn from my pain disorder.

Am I supposed to rejoice in the fact that some days it takes strength that is honestly not my own to get out of bed? I don't think so. I don't know if God wants me to be joyful about this- certainly God doesn't think I'm wrong for getting pissy every now and then.

But I finally get it. I'm unique. I'm special. This is how I see life. Everything down to my very anatomy- my very nerve endings- my brain cells- is different with me. I am a unique human.

That's a good feeling. God knows that I'm miserable sometimes, and it's not what God desired to see me hurt, but God knows that I do. God is holding my hand through all of this as I grow.

And I'm thankful.



Uniquely yours,

Spoons

Do you know what it's like to be chronically ill?
My case is a pain disorder. It's one of those things that I know that I'm sick, and I feel myself in constant pain and can't control it, but the doctors haven't given me a definitive answer yet. That is painful emotionally because I feel invalidated, but I should let that bother. You know that you have a cold even if you don't go to Doctor's Care. I know that I have a chronic pain disorder but I just don't know which one yet.

Having said that, my day-to-day existence is different from that of people who aren't sick.

I would post the following story in full, but I want to be respectful to the author's copyright. Please click this link and read about the Spoon Theory. It explains what day-to-day life is like for someone who doesn't "look sick".
I'm having a bad evening with my pain disorder and want you all to know what it's like for me. From now on, when I refer to "running out of spoons", you all will know what I'm talking about.

Love,

Insert quirky subject line.

Okay, so the "arthritis-fibromyalgia-carpal tunnel-diagnosis of the week" front is not going so well. But I'm dealing with it. I spent a whole day off of the computer and it didn't make a difference. Again. SAD.

As far as having a social life goes, it will be nonexistent this week and next. I'm behind on the reading for some of my classes (I know! Already! And we just had a break! blah blah blah) and next weekend being the weekend retreat (oh boy, I just hope that my professors put off all homework for Monday and Tuesday because of it. Dreaming on, I know)... I will be SWAMPED.
That's okay, because GIRL'S NIGHT IN made up for it. Sort of. Let's just say that the unmentionable account of girl's night is, of course, unmentionable on a blog. But all of you girls know what happened! Every girl's night follows a few general rules. Such as:
Games: truth or dare, never have I ever
Chick food: Brownies and cupcakes
Fru-fru drinks: Shirley Temples

And a whole lot of FUN. And SECRETS. And NICKNAMES. My nickname is Angel, a shock to most of you who call me the alky.


Also, it's like the rainy season on the Serengeti. And I must have left my rain boots at home. Silly me! I guess I'll be wearing my Sperry's a lot because they're made to "GET WET", after all!

The whole foods diet is going pretty well. I'm successfully avoiding high fructose corn syrup, food dies, and preservatives, despite the challenges of GDH (haha).

I also found out what I'm going to do with my life!!!!
But I'm going to make you wait for another post for me to explain it. CLIFFHANGER! NO! I guess you'll just have to follow my blog or add it to your blog reader to find out!


So now, I leave you with this math joke:
The Gaga Law (RAH)² (AH)³ + RO (MA + MAMA) + (GA)² + OOH(LA)² = Bad Romance

Lame day!

A few days ago, my pain issues in my hands starting flaring up. I am not exactly sure what caused it, but it is definitely here and I don't know what to do. Medication rarely works unless I take the hard core stuff, which I don't want to do in school. I could try to get a brace to keep me from moving my hand/wrist so much. I have gone without the computer for days (Shock, I know!) to see if it was the typing position bothering me, but no relent. Playing piano hurts, writing with a pen hurts, typing hurts, using my ergonomic mouse hurts, twiddling my thumbs hurts. It's like my wrist is hooked up to its personal electric chair.

What are your thoughts on pain management? Any ideas?

As for me, I'm going to mope. If you go to school with me, a hug and a smile will make me feel worlds better!

I have to say, there's a good in this situation. My legs aren't killing me right now and my winter shoes are providing enough support for them that my twisted bone structure isn't aching. In summer, I wear shoes that aren't so supportive. In winter, although it's colder and makes my joints stiffer, the constant ache of summer is going away. It's enough to make me consider wearing tennis shoes year-round!

God's peace,
Brookie

Orchestra

is difficult. Not necessarily the music, but actually being there. For chicks like me with "a problem that I'm not going to name but will refer you for another doctor for", it's a painful experience. (Speaking of painful experiences, my chin has healed up. Yay!)

FIRST
Physically speaking, playing the violin can be a painful experience. We all know that when Brookie gets into a painful situation, she gets frustrated and annoyed. Not good!


SECOND
I feel like the director and I don't communicate well. Scratch that, I think that he doesn't communicate well with us. "Shh!" can only carry so many meanings, and when I'm sitting in a chair, trying to focus on playing Haydn, I can't also try to READ YOUR MIND. "Use your words like a big boy clone!" (NAME THAT MOVIE!)


THIRD
Rehearsals are long. I'm used to long rehearsals for theatre events, but not orchestra (at least, I'm used to sitting there that long rehearsing, but not twice a week).
It's a large chunk of time, and for someone with the previous problems that I listed, it's exhausting. And I could get a job and make more money than the music scholarship given men to sit there. I don't even LIKE orchestra that much, do I? Or am I so blinded my my annoyance with this situation that I am projecting it onto orchestra in general?

AND SO
I spoke to my piano teacher yesterday during our lesson and told her pretty much what I just said up there. I was nearly reduced to tears because she listened. Definitely not used to adults listening to me, even if I'm an adult also. She recommended that I speak to the director of the music program here and that we can try to work something out. She said that even though it's not documented yet (WHICH IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, PEOPLE! Please just give me a diagnosis so I can say I have "this" instead of "A lot of things that sound like random complaints") we can probably work something out that doesn't include orchestra. Also, she recommended that I speak to the orchestra director and tell him what's going on and see if we can't work out something like letting me get up and move from time to time during the rehearsal and see if that doesn't help.


More than anything, this is just a bunch of angst. I have gotten so frustrated with this whole situation, I'm just ready to see if crash and burn. If not for the fact that I probably couldn't get or afford the private lessons that I want to take at school without the music scholarship that I have, I would quit altogether. And for those of you who know me, that's a big deal... because Brookie doesn't just give up. I plug at it until the job is done, but in this case I'm about near a breaking point. So please, pray for me! And if I fall apart, please help me pull myself together.

God's Peace,
Brookie