Plans for the future

are uncertain for me.
There are a few things that I know:
-I will graduate from college
-I will eventually go into ordained ministry
-I will eventually go to seminary and become ordained

I just don't know HOW to do those last two. I'm so conflicted about in which denomination I'm called to serve and the timeline for going to seminary. Do I go directly after college? Do I wait a few years? If I decide to go into ministry somewhere other than PC USA, I'd need to take some time to attend that church, join and be confirmed. (Or do I?)

Which asks a related question, what do I do with myself between college and seminary? I'll have a degree in Religion with a minor in music and probably history as well. Would I teach? Will a school even hire me? (Save Christian schools) Do I go into youth ministry for a while to get on my feet? That seems the most reasonable option, I can get acquainted with the church and its procedure and still fulfill my calling. Maybe it's not even necessary to be a confirmed member in the denomination before you attend their seminary and seek ordination.


This whole post left out the ENTIRE "marriage" question. I find that interesting, for so long I always assumed that I would just get married soon after college and would figure things out then, but now I'm wondering about that. I haven't met anyone that I am interesting in marrying, and I am definitely not going to settle. I don't want to get married old because I'd like to have children, but ultimately it's all in God's hands when I find that special one and the circumstances thereof.

Holy Week grace and peace,

Still alive

But barely! Greek test tomorrow is going to melt my brain. It will be fantastic. I stayed up late "studying" but I'm really just on facebook the whole time because I can't concentrate worth beans. I know, cue terrible person sob story here.
Anyway, sorry for neglecting the blog. School has been busy like WOAH and as soon as I get a chance to breathe, I will update you all on what's going on with me. =)

Grace and peace (Greek for peace is χαρα btw),

Well, here's a change...

A real post!

Actually, it's only a real post to those of you who aren't my friends on livejournal. I post there to keep my entries private (well, mostly private, since no one from LJ really reads my blog unless I tell them to and no one from my blog reads my LJ because they aren't my LJ friend. So there.)

I'm going to edit and then copy and paste the post in. It's pretty much the lowdown on Brookie, and if you've been a longtime reader you'll notice how much I've changed since going to college.

THE POST

LIBERALS
Evidently my church is one of the most liberal out there. Woo? I mean, liberalism has been a long time coming for me. I'm very fundamental on some things but really liberal on other stances. I guess that I'm okay being PC USA because, in all honesty, it's something to stand behind. I can disagree with things that I have reason to disagree on but when something comes up and I don't really know what to think about it, I trust my denomination enough to just fall back on them. See next section:

GAYS
My church is fine with gays. Individual churches may have their own opinions, but my denomination doesn't see homosexuality as a sinful sexual identity. I mean, there's scads of theological research on both sides of the story. I've read it all. I've believed it all at one point or another. At this point, I'm kind of wobbly on where I stand but I'm essentially of the mindset that God doesn't care who you love. I go back to the "well heterosexual relationships biologically produce offspring so wasn't that God's design?" a lot, but when I think about how overpopulated we are... I am beginning to think that homosexuality could even be a blessing from God. Stop reproducing kids that you'll just screw up anyway, and if you're well-balanced enough to want a child and care for one and biologically don't make one with your partner and don't want to do artificial insemination, then adopt a child who needs a home! Care for the orphans, I seem to remember that being something that Jesus lauded. Anyway, at this point in time I can't say what I think on the gays... but it's not like they're hurting anybody. Live and let live, and if you want to get a gay partnership blessed, when I'm ordained I can do so. Woot?

V-DAY
And I don't mean Valentine's day. I'm talking about the Eve Ensler Vagina Day- empowering women, ending the silence, trying to end the violence toward women. My campus just had our own offshoot of the V-Day movement and it was empowering, liberating, and rewarding. For girls who have been victimized it was like a week of "Yes, this happens. It happened to me. Let's end it now" mixed with "I am FREE". I was so pumped that we have a V-Day movement here on campus and can't wait to get involved with it next year.

GOD
Has no gender. I wish that people could wrap their minds around this. God doesn't have a gender, doesn't have a sex, IS NOT A MAN. OKAY? Using "He".... whatever. Don't make a habit of it. It perturbs me slightly and if I'm cranky it can totally set me off (blame it on the Presbyterianism). But then I see this downright patriarchal theology and I want to scream. God doesn't care if I'm a man or a woman. God loves me for me. Nothing I can do will change that in any way. This is also why I'm pretty okay with the gays- there is no male or female in Christ... why do I care if sexless individual A marries sexless individual B? I don't. But this whole God thing goes so much further. Women repress themselves when they think that God's MASTER PLAN for them is to raise good Christians and keep a clean home and make their husband's life easier et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum. Child-rearing is a SHARED job. Whether the wife stays at home to care for them or the father, it doesn't matter. It's not just one person's job. Neither is better than the other based on pure genetics. Maybe the wife IS the better full-time caregiver and that's fine with me. But the husband might be, too. Or heck, the other wife might be too. Or the other husband. Or whatever. God hasn't generalized an entire sex because God doesn't care what sex you are. God can't set gender roles when God doesn't care what gender you are. God is portrayed as a father. God is also characterized as a mother. Deal with it and move on. And stop putting my God, the creator of the universe, into a box. How offensive that must be!

BYE BYE PATRIARCHAL THEOLOGY
See GOD

FRIENDS
I am making them. I am also starting to puzzle them out, which is incredibly exciting. (insert rambling that I'm not including for the sake of anonymity).
Have you ever noticed that people can say a lot of honest things without ever actually saying anything?

Lenten grace and peace,

I survived...

The plague.
Now, when most people think of the plague they think of the Black Death or smallpox. When you're in college, though, the plague is that crazy illness that is running rampant through campus and will debilitate you should you catch it.
Drat my hand-eye coordination; I caught it!
After laying in bed all day wishing for something other than consciousness, I finally got over the 24 hour bug and was able to live my life once more. Hopefully I have an immunity to it now and will be able to avoid it from now on... but one can only hope!
How about you, dear readers? Have you gotten the plague, or narrowly avoided it?
Best wishes go out to all of you- stay in good health!
Grace and peace,

A Crazy Week

So, I have no idea where I am this week.

I feel like every second I'm so busy or inundated with new information that I can't process anything. I know that that means two things:

ONE
I need to start journaling again. This is different from blogging because my journal is for my eyes only. I can write whatever I need to and I don't have to hold myself back. Some things aren't appropriate to write in a blog, y'all know that. And blogging for catharsis isn't feasible all the time. "I'm feeling overwhelmed! Let me pull out my laptop and find a wireless connection..."

TWO
I need to CALM DOWN and SLEEP. Calming down involves me sitting in one place for a few hours with a good book. Sleep is just as you thought. I have to get a lot because my chronic pain problems wear me out. I think that I function best on 8-10 hours of sleep for a normal day. I have been getting closer to 6 lately. Ahh!

So, with that, I hope to have a better week next week! This week is probably down the drain. ALTHOUGH my whole foods diet has been great this week! My snacks have been whole trail mix (no chocolate or sugar or processed anything in it), my meals have been as close to whole as I can get in GDH and in Springs I get a spinach salad with grilled chicken (yum, people, YUM!) and I've been drinking water or hot tea. Of course I put a bucket of sugar in my tea, but I'm working on weaning myself! And I use Stevia from time to time when I sweeten my tea in my room.

So, that's a positive note to end on =]

Grace and peace,

Winter Conference

I went to Montreat this past weekend with my college for our annual winter conference. Several professors attend with a large portion of the student body and we spend the weekend together in the beautiful mountains of Montreat, enjoying a Sabbath together. This conference was such a renewal for me. I'm really grateful for everyone who worked on the retreat, those who prepared for it for weeks before the event. I'm also thankful for everyone who went and made it such a great experience for me. I felt so loved and accepted, and I got to interact with members of the community that I normally don't see or get to be with. It was so refreshing to see my peers ignoring the social order or status quo and just existing as a single group, with a common purpose and love for one another.
You might say that I'm being too much of a hippie about this, but I think that I'm just genuinely surprised to see my peers be so... nice.

Thank you for that.

While I was on the retreat I felt a tug to "come back home"; to come back to the Presbyterian faith that I grew up with. For years I ran around to difference churches, looking at difference theologies, researching this and that until this weekend I realized that what I already believe is accomplished in the faith that my church family instilled in my so many years ago. I'm proud to be a member of my church and I know it. I know how Presbyterians do things. I know our rules, our laws, how to get a job with a Presbyterian church, what we believe and what we practice. 15 years of solid Presbyterianism has bred in my a fierce love of bagpipes, tartan, and Scotland. I love worship services that make less of the performer and celebrate the God who gave us the talent with which to worship. I love that we're held accountable to an association but not hierarchical enough with our rules and confessions that we allow heresies to sneak in and become cornerstone dogmas.
I'm so happy that my denomination, and I know some people hate denominations, accepts the fact that God made me a woman and equal to a man. I'm overjoyed that I'm not a second-class citizen. I feel accepted as a member of the body of Christ, regardless of my gender, and it's beautiful to me that I can serve in the full pastoral capacity to which I have been called.
More than this, it's home. Home isn't perfect, but nothing is perfect but Christ. Sure, there are controversies. Who hasn't had them? And the confessions of the Presbyterian church fully admit that human doctrine in this area can be subject to any number of errors (especially outside of historical context). But I won't waste my time addressing every criticism of my home church. Because it's just that; it's home. It's home, and that's enough for me.

I have not been liberated.

Last night at Hobbie Talk, we discussed women: how they were treated in the Bible, how they were and are treated by the Church, how society views women.
In this discourse, the subject of the Vagina Monologues came up. A group of students from the college are putting on the annual production of the collection of monologues celebrating the vagina (shock!) soon, and auditions are this week.
I am normally quite the prude. I always thought that I was very conservative, maybe just a little insecure. Now I realize it's because I've been trapped for most of my life, hiding secrets and shames and not telling anyone. This is one of the many things that the Vagina Monologues addresses.
I have finally realized that for years and years, I have allowed society and tradition to dictate some of my most fundamental beliefs. Like that God is a man. I'm not about to start referring to God as a chick, but why do I see God as this huge man with a beard hugging the earth? Why do I give God that masculine image? Why has it NEVER offended me? Why has it not hurt me that God, who is characterized as a mother NUMEROUS times in Scripture, has been constantly referred to as a male?
Why is it that it has never bothered me, and I have never questioned, that humans are referred to as "all men", rather than simply "all humans"? Don't tell me that it's because "all men" is shorter to write or say. History shows us that brevity wasn't favored by the great minds and writers of the past. Proof is in the mass of reading that I have to do for Philosophy, easily 100 pages on trying to use a logical equation to prove that God exists. It can be written in under 100 pages, peeps. Trust me.

Why is it that rape isn't always considered a violent crime? Why is it JUST a sex crime? Does everyone realize that the psychological mindset of the rapist isn't to have sex for pleasure but to overpower the victim? It's like calling assault a party foul. "But normally guys wrestle for fun. This one just got out of hand."

Sound ridiculous? I thought so.

So now that my religious sabbatical is over and me and Jesus and my vocation are tight and in a stable loving relationship, I'm going to liberate myself as a woman. I'm going to celebrate the fact that God made me a woman and all of the intricacies that go with womanhood. I'm in for a beautiful journey, and I encourage you to make it with me.

Insert quirky subject line.

Okay, so the "arthritis-fibromyalgia-carpal tunnel-diagnosis of the week" front is not going so well. But I'm dealing with it. I spent a whole day off of the computer and it didn't make a difference. Again. SAD.

As far as having a social life goes, it will be nonexistent this week and next. I'm behind on the reading for some of my classes (I know! Already! And we just had a break! blah blah blah) and next weekend being the weekend retreat (oh boy, I just hope that my professors put off all homework for Monday and Tuesday because of it. Dreaming on, I know)... I will be SWAMPED.
That's okay, because GIRL'S NIGHT IN made up for it. Sort of. Let's just say that the unmentionable account of girl's night is, of course, unmentionable on a blog. But all of you girls know what happened! Every girl's night follows a few general rules. Such as:
Games: truth or dare, never have I ever
Chick food: Brownies and cupcakes
Fru-fru drinks: Shirley Temples

And a whole lot of FUN. And SECRETS. And NICKNAMES. My nickname is Angel, a shock to most of you who call me the alky.


Also, it's like the rainy season on the Serengeti. And I must have left my rain boots at home. Silly me! I guess I'll be wearing my Sperry's a lot because they're made to "GET WET", after all!

The whole foods diet is going pretty well. I'm successfully avoiding high fructose corn syrup, food dies, and preservatives, despite the challenges of GDH (haha).

I also found out what I'm going to do with my life!!!!
But I'm going to make you wait for another post for me to explain it. CLIFFHANGER! NO! I guess you'll just have to follow my blog or add it to your blog reader to find out!


So now, I leave you with this math joke:
The Gaga Law (RAH)² (AH)³ + RO (MA + MAMA) + (GA)² + OOH(LA)² = Bad Romance

Brookie goes to college

and learns a lot more about the Bible and formulating a sermon and theological viewpoint than she ever thought possible in such a short time.
That being said, it has probably ruined my "listen to the sermon and agree with everything he says and think that he's making really good points and that there aren't any holes in his logic and his hermeneutics aren't totally off" days.

Good thing? Bad thing?

One final thought: it has definitely set a standard for me. I just can't go to a church where the preaching is sub-par. I have been spoiled!

Brookie passed Greek!

That's right, folks! I did more than pass, and that's totally a God thing! Thank you, Jesus, and thank you, Dr. Bryant.

One thing about school that has been troubling this semester has been how "liberal" the theology is that I've been learning. For instance, I learned in my Old Testament class that there were two authors to the book of Isaiah. Um, what? I spoke with the father of a dear friend, whose father is a biblical scholar, about this issue. His answer? "The whole point of Isaiah is that this has not happened yet. It's that God is saying 'This won't happen for another 500 years, but I'm God and I'm telling you what will happen.'"
Isaiah's prophesy shows us that God knows the future. It reveals to us more of God's character. It also gives us hope. Some would say that the prophesies refer to Hezekiah's son, but Christian thought for centuries attributed these prophesies to Christ and his birth.

So where does this leave me? Well, I'll probably be looking for a conservative seminary to attend. Other than that, I'll eat the fish and leave the bones when it comes to my required religion classes. I'll keep some knowledgeable, trusted biblical scholars and leaders on my speed dial and talk to them about things that I am having trouble with. Above all, I'm going to continue to trust Jesus and rely on Him, and remember that all He asks of me is to love him.

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8 NRSV

In Christ alone,
Brookie

I know that I said...

that I wouldn't talk about or think about theology, BUT
it REALLY, REALLY bugs me when people start making theological assumptions and use those assumptions to judge that someone is sinning IF THAT PERSON has no formal study in the original Biblical languages or in Christian Doctrines in general.

Seriously.

This is a "Brookie is very upset that people are judging other people and putting words in Jesus' mouth and calling it blasphemy if you don't subscribe to their views" post. I don't really blog angry often, but here we go. A first for everything.


Please, people. Before you get your panties in a wad over a "revelation" that you had, please just do some research. And don't you dare call me a sinner if I get married and work outside the home.

That Theology...

is a little to much for me right now.
Don't misunderstand me. I love God. I love talking about God. I love trying to find out the ins and outs of what's Biblically sound, what's sound doctrine and what isn't, but I have reached a point where I can't think about all of those differences anymore. I feel like I've found out that there are so many different points at which doctrine splits entirely, and indeed form two different faith systems. I don't know which is right. All I can rely on is God, that He will guide me along what is true and what isn't.
But now I've gotten so busy with school and friends (shock!) that I have neglected my relationship with God. Typical- neglect the One who delivered me safely thus far, who loves me unconditionally, and who made the ultimate sacrifice for me. The One whose heart hurts for me when I fall away from Him, who is hurt by my sin, whose heart aches for me when I ache.
That wasn't very loving me of, was it? And that's all that God requires of me.
Consider this my official notice of sabbatical. I am taking a break from any outside influence on my relationship between me and God. I am going to start rebuilding my relationship with my Abba, one step at a time. First step? Saying sorry.
Next step? Love.

I'll keep y'all updated. I know you're hanging on my every word (not!)

-Brookie

Orchestra

is difficult. Not necessarily the music, but actually being there. For chicks like me with "a problem that I'm not going to name but will refer you for another doctor for", it's a painful experience. (Speaking of painful experiences, my chin has healed up. Yay!)

FIRST
Physically speaking, playing the violin can be a painful experience. We all know that when Brookie gets into a painful situation, she gets frustrated and annoyed. Not good!


SECOND
I feel like the director and I don't communicate well. Scratch that, I think that he doesn't communicate well with us. "Shh!" can only carry so many meanings, and when I'm sitting in a chair, trying to focus on playing Haydn, I can't also try to READ YOUR MIND. "Use your words like a big boy clone!" (NAME THAT MOVIE!)


THIRD
Rehearsals are long. I'm used to long rehearsals for theatre events, but not orchestra (at least, I'm used to sitting there that long rehearsing, but not twice a week).
It's a large chunk of time, and for someone with the previous problems that I listed, it's exhausting. And I could get a job and make more money than the music scholarship given men to sit there. I don't even LIKE orchestra that much, do I? Or am I so blinded my my annoyance with this situation that I am projecting it onto orchestra in general?

AND SO
I spoke to my piano teacher yesterday during our lesson and told her pretty much what I just said up there. I was nearly reduced to tears because she listened. Definitely not used to adults listening to me, even if I'm an adult also. She recommended that I speak to the director of the music program here and that we can try to work something out. She said that even though it's not documented yet (WHICH IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, PEOPLE! Please just give me a diagnosis so I can say I have "this" instead of "A lot of things that sound like random complaints") we can probably work something out that doesn't include orchestra. Also, she recommended that I speak to the orchestra director and tell him what's going on and see if we can't work out something like letting me get up and move from time to time during the rehearsal and see if that doesn't help.


More than anything, this is just a bunch of angst. I have gotten so frustrated with this whole situation, I'm just ready to see if crash and burn. If not for the fact that I probably couldn't get or afford the private lessons that I want to take at school without the music scholarship that I have, I would quit altogether. And for those of you who know me, that's a big deal... because Brookie doesn't just give up. I plug at it until the job is done, but in this case I'm about near a breaking point. So please, pray for me! And if I fall apart, please help me pull myself together.

God's Peace,
Brookie

I have a problem

climbing up stairs. Really. I can't do it without tripping, it seems, and my problem has landed me at the doctor's office (PUN!).

What broke my fall, you might ask? Well, dear reader, nothing other than my chin. Click on "my chin" for the picture of the incredible bruise that I got. That battle wound story is almost lamer than the time I dislocated my knee (sitting in a chair. Yes. I know. get the laughter out now.)

Wish me luck in my future stair climbing endeavors! Also, wish me luck in writing a blog post about something other than seriously injuring myself. (You can laugh there. I certainly am!)

God's peace,
Brookie