Thursday, November 12, 2009


is difficult. Not necessarily the music, but actually being there. For chicks like me with "a problem that I'm not going to name but will refer you for another doctor for", it's a painful experience. (Speaking of painful experiences, my chin has healed up. Yay!)

Physically speaking, playing the violin can be a painful experience. We all know that when Brookie gets into a painful situation, she gets frustrated and annoyed. Not good!

I feel like the director and I don't communicate well. Scratch that, I think that he doesn't communicate well with us. "Shh!" can only carry so many meanings, and when I'm sitting in a chair, trying to focus on playing Haydn, I can't also try to READ YOUR MIND. "Use your words like a big boy clone!" (NAME THAT MOVIE!)

Rehearsals are long. I'm used to long rehearsals for theatre events, but not orchestra (at least, I'm used to sitting there that long rehearsing, but not twice a week).
It's a large chunk of time, and for someone with the previous problems that I listed, it's exhausting. And I could get a job and make more money than the music scholarship given men to sit there. I don't even LIKE orchestra that much, do I? Or am I so blinded my my annoyance with this situation that I am projecting it onto orchestra in general?

I spoke to my piano teacher yesterday during our lesson and told her pretty much what I just said up there. I was nearly reduced to tears because she listened. Definitely not used to adults listening to me, even if I'm an adult also. She recommended that I speak to the director of the music program here and that we can try to work something out. She said that even though it's not documented yet (WHICH IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, PEOPLE! Please just give me a diagnosis so I can say I have "this" instead of "A lot of things that sound like random complaints") we can probably work something out that doesn't include orchestra. Also, she recommended that I speak to the orchestra director and tell him what's going on and see if we can't work out something like letting me get up and move from time to time during the rehearsal and see if that doesn't help.

More than anything, this is just a bunch of angst. I have gotten so frustrated with this whole situation, I'm just ready to see if crash and burn. If not for the fact that I probably couldn't get or afford the private lessons that I want to take at school without the music scholarship that I have, I would quit altogether. And for those of you who know me, that's a big deal... because Brookie doesn't just give up. I plug at it until the job is done, but in this case I'm about near a breaking point. So please, pray for me! And if I fall apart, please help me pull myself together.

God's Peace,