Sunday, January 10, 2010

Rednecksington fun

When all other entertainment fails you, this town provides some excellent people-watching. Go into the Wal-Mart and browse around the isles for a while. Laugh at the mile-long line of cars at Chick-Fil-A. Marvel at the display of humanity that can be found at the flea markets. And if you're brave, valiant and have a prescription of Xanax, go the mall. Which is technically not in Rednecksingon, but I only had so much to work with.

Imagine yourself, assaulted on every side by body after body. You run past the Seacret kiosk so the foreign salespeople don't try to rope you into buying some $200 eye cream that you know won't do any more than the $6 Olay that you bought when you were in Wal-Mart. You pass Hollister and smell that acrid teenage perfume. You smell it because they literally pay a kid to walk around with a bottle of "Pure Secks" or whatever they market and spray it throughout the store nonstop.
You pass Auntie Anne's and try not to succumb to the sweet scent of dietary sin.
You take a bite of the pretzel that you swore that you wouldn't buy and debate the merits of walking through the beauty department at Belk.

You decide against it and continue on your journey. On the way, you walk into the fume cloud billowing from Abercrombie & Fitch and try not to stare and the huge poster of a half-naked man (with amazing muscle tone) in the entrance to the store. It's just the fumes, ladies. Take a deep breath across the walkway and you'll snap out of it. But not if you keep walking straight, because then you walk past the Yankee Candle. You smell a mix of caramel, potpourri and floral scents that kind of make you want to gag. That pretzel was a bad idea.

Summoning up your strength, you continue into the labyrinth of the Food Court. Dairy Queen, that Chinese place beside that Japanese place which faces the kind of but not really Chinese place which is next to the Subway. And a Chick-Fil-A, which could also be called Crack-Fil-A, because there's one across the street and another one in Rednecksington with a packed parking lot and a mile and a half long line at the drive-thru.

After looking through the Hot Topic windows just because you thought that your experience couldn't get crazy enough, you buy a shirt from the Big Thursday stand that says "COCKS" and nothing else.

Then go home to the "Best Town by a Dam" and pick up dinner at Lizard's Thicket. You deserve it!
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